Stone #6

 

Not knowing where I walked,

I walked on. 

I listed (then and now listing, with him, that boy of me)

all

the things in my head for my father to be,

from success of the real–

salesman of the year or a rich new job or a man with bigger

and better

responsibilities

–to the victories of fantasy which blew through my mind at the time–

Superman Spiderman The Hulk Wolverine–

(though nothing stuck)

(Stone #5 was hot; glowing with a heat, either all its own or from the dirt or from my hot hand.  Purpose: it glowed with a white-hot purpose for me to use it somehow)

but none stuck;

and from this failure in these descriptions,

real or imagined,

he became once again a failure.

Not fair

Even now, at the very end of him, he’d failed to be

the corpse

I imagined

him to be.

For me?

The same thing?

A pair of arthritic hands

and a time-dulled wedding ring?

~

I’d tried to actually snap Stone #5 in half with my small hands,

the crusted blood under my fingernails making

me think I was stronger somehow (the bird’s blood and the cowardly death I’d caused mixed with comic book characters and a blood-crazy savage somewhere in my long, deep past as a human, perhaps)

“Get mad”

Then I remembered the fight that night we’d had

“Get mad at me!”  I screamed

at him to scream

at me.

When Roger Vanek’s mom called eventually

the window collapsing away from its frame like nothing when the stones

and he listened and nodded and uh-hummed,

then replaced the receiver

and returned to the couch.

Then, what was wrong with snapping twigs like matchsticks?

Do a thing like him and you’ll do it too — what a stupid thing to think!

But not a twig I picked up again for that purpose.

Purpose

Since now I searched for stones with that hot purpose

in my hands and

in my head,

getting hotter.

The stats and descriptions of what I needed to use for them for what?  

rose up in my head

Too small too little too big for my pocket too similar to the red one too jagged just right

just right!

Counting stones like rosary beads

Salineras_de_Maras,_Maras,_Perú,_2015-07-30,_DD_03-07_PAN

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