I fell into that groove of hopelessness. I fell there and sat there. But I eyed the table with my laptop. I told myself to get up. I wrestled my will from my negative self.
I didn’t stay there.
Twice, I walked away telling myself I couldn’t do it, almost yelling it, like I was trying to convince myself.
Fear encapsulated me.
I walked away and gave myself two minutes to vent the impossibleness of it–a novel finished in ten days. I have to change chapters from third to first person. I have to fill in whole chapters, brand new chapters. I have to keep working, with no breaks. I have to work before work and after work.
But I know this is essential because sometimes courage is getting so sick of telling yourself that you can’t do it that you just do it.
Sometimes shaking with fear, and with tears in our eyes, we leap anyway. And damnit, that doesn’t mean that we’re not any less courageous!
Sometimes courage is knowing everything is falling apart around you and you just want to write one decent sentence.
Sometimes finding faith in yourself isn’t a mindset, it’s an action followed by another and another, no matter how bleak we feel.
And sometimes being a writer is not about being inspired, feeling good, making art, making a living, or even writing a novel, but about getting down words just to get them down, no matter how shitty or cheesy they are.
Sometimes the pressure of your fingers on the key and your wrists to move them are all you need.
I’m doing it. Sometimes it’s this fucking tough. When you take responsibility, yes it’s this fucking tough. It can always be made better. Just get it down!
And from this desperation comes true art. Sometimes. When you’re time is compressed, when the stakes are high, when there are limits on your functions, when you are not ready, if you sit down and breathe and give everything you have to your creative self, THAT is true faith, in yourself and in God. And from that, true art can be made. It should not be the only setting in which it happens; but I’m beginning to see the faith that I’ve been missing all these years.
It’s not always like this, only sometimes.
But sometimes comes and you need to be ready when you’re not ready. And none of us are ready.
So just jump.
Real quick: all you folks are a big part of this for me. If it wasn’t for my friends and family and for my #writingcommunity, I wouldn’t even be able to get up.
Writing when you don’t want to write means you’re a professional. Julia Cameron has taught me that with my morning pages. A deadline has taught me to act and not to fold. Writing Community has taught me accountability. I CAN do this, even if it turns out different than what I first imagined it to be.
The completion of this novel is teaching me the best lesson of all–it’s teaching me who I am!
Thank you. More posts to come down the road. Good to be back.