Furlough 42: Forgive

Forgive yourself forgive yourself forgive yourself forgive yourself forgive yourself forgive yourself forgive yourself.

If you really want to make progress, if you really want to do all that you can to improve yourself every single day as a human being, as a writer, as an artist, as an anything, please understand you have to forgive yourself constantly.

This is harder than it looks for me. I never realized how terrible I was treating myself with negative self-talk and thoughts until I began using more supportive and truthful statements.

So forgive yourself. And I’m not talking about that sulky forgiveness that I mostly still do. The “Yeah yeah whatever” forgiveness. I’m talking about really looking at how you are.

I look at the expectations and the judgments I make for myself, and when I don’t do what I planned on doing, when I “fail” to be a good writer, person, human, etc, I talk exactly as if I’m talking to my little nephew: “Hey, buddy. It’s all good. Do a little writing and do your best. I’ll always love you.”

Doesn’t that feel amazing! Why do we treat ourselves so terribly? I don’t do this enough, not by a long shot. But I’m getting better. Life is a practice, not a performance.

I’m writing all of this because I slept in today. And I’m not talking about just sleeping in for an hour, I’m talking about the hardcore Fuck This covers-over-my-head kind of sleeping in. And normally I would let that eat at me all day long until I would rush to my desk with this obsession to make up for lost time, all the while abusing myself with Shouldas and Couldas.

Not today.

I’m going to do some writing today, it’s true, but I’m going to forgive myself and write from a place of joy instead of fear of failing.

I’m not saying to write whenever you feel like it. You need structure, there’s no arguing about that. I call it a practice instead of a schedule or work because with a practice there’s always room to be messy. I was never really good at structure, and I understand that to finish anything, you need some kind of structure and schedule. But I also know that beating myself up by letting my ego and self-hate call the shots is just crazy. With love, not fear, as Bill Hicks once said.

Do your best. Do your best that’s all you can do. So I will be writing however I can, forgiving myself for when I don’t meet the standards that I set for myself by other people.

Create and complete!

Have a great and healthy day

P.S.

Just before sitting down to write, I took a walk around my neighborhood of Andersonville on the north side of Chicago, and I can’t even describe to you how happy and joyful and content and relieved I felt walking around.

Since I’ve been furloughed, I’ve taken a total of three walks. I love this neighborhood and I love nature. I am a complete tree-hugging nature fanatic. I love the birds in the trees and this is one of my favorite times of year so to walk around in this and forget for a moment that we have to stay home and that it’s dangerous to be outside and see people, and to instead witness the beauty in the rebirth of another earth year just takes my breath away. I’m so glad I did it. I’m so blessed. Have a great day.

P.S.S.

I did an hour and a half of writing. 😊

Writing gets me high 🥴

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